Jealousy can be an unhappy and angry feeling of wanting to have what someone else has.
When you see women around you that are pregnant, or are holding their new born babies in their arms, how do you feel?
Many of my patients tell me that it is hard to admit that they feel jealousy when they see friends and others, easily get pregnant.
Pregnancies and small babies are close to their own dream, so that’s why it hurts to see it.
As a counsellor I find it normal that infertility patients feel that they are the “only one” that struggle to become parents, and it is hard for them to not think at their own situation as unfair. They really want to be in another situation, they really want to have what someone else has — a child and a family, out of this comes the feeling of jealousy.
This negative thoughts and feelings are reactions that the patients actually don’t want to feel, and that gives consequences:
- They are angry with themselves and feel ashamed because of the jealousy, and it’s hard to admit the emotional reaction.
- They start to isolate, make a distance and make up lies, so they don’t need to meet pregnant women or newborn babies.
- I really think that we should normalize our own feelings! Of course you feel jealous; of course it feels unfair that exactly you need to go through treatment!
Here is my advice in your situation
- Don’t get angry with yourselves for feeling jealous, just accept the feeling and tell yourselves that one day, it will be you! Try to use others pregnancies as a motivation, and think; one day it’s me!!
- If you are jealous at certain people — remember that it is not them as persons you are jealous about, or don’t like; it is the situation they are in. their situation as pregnant, affects your emotions. Emotions that you don’t want to feel. So it is not them that is the problem, it’s about your own feelings.
- May be you should tell the people you are jealous at about your emotions, instead of creating a distance, or isolate yourselves. Tell them that their situation affects you right now, but it is nothing wrong with them!
- If you find it hard to feel happy on others behalf, when it comes to pregnancies, I find that normal, don’t get angry with yourself. This is a time limited situation — one day you will be the pregnant one!
- Remember that the words you tell yourself and others will affect how they react and treat you.
Jealousy is normally a “negative word”, and if you tell someone that you are jealous, they will probably react different, than if you tell them that you feel vulnerable.
Jealousy creates distance, vulnerability creates empathy and understanding!
Be wise. Respect and accept your emotional reactions, normalize them and try to not start to think destructive thoughts about yourself.
You just want to have what someone else has, its nothing wrong with that, use it as a motivation. One day it’s you!!
The best of luck!!