"I need to choose between fertility treatment and my husband"

We all need to make difficult decisions in our lives and some decisions are tougher than others.

I have talked to some women that are coming to a point in their lives where they need to decide whether to have children, or keep their husband that is against their future fertility treatment. They have found a man that they love, a man that satisfies many of their needs, but not their need to be a mother and to have a child.

When a woman passes the age to have her own genetic child she will then have a limited amount of time to do egg donation, or embryo adoption, as this is an age limited project. This also means that she will have a limited amount of time to talk her partner into doing the treatment with her.

A couple needs to agree whether to go into donation treatment together and I have experienced, over the years, that some women need to make a choice; the treatment, or their man!

There can be many different reasons why they need to make such a choice, but here are some of them:

  • The man has children from previous relationship and she has no children, he doesn’t want another child.
  • The man has low sperm quality, or no sperm at all to use in treatment and he doesn’t want to use a sperm donor.
  • The man doesn’t want to be an ‘old father’ and just wants to continue his life without children.
  • The man feels that if they cannot make the child naturally then it is not meant to be, or he is against paying a lot of money and getting medical help for something that should just happen by itself.

I have talked to older women in the need of egg donation and also women that are in need of sperm donation that do not know what to do so they are trying to talk their men into fertility treatment. Some of these women manage to do that, even if the man feels that they are being pushed into something that they do not want to do.

If the man decides that fertility treatment is not something he is willing to go through then the woman finds herself in the situation where she needs to choose; Keep him, or have a child?

A woman needs to feel that she has done everything in her power to get pregnant before she can stop treatment. What this “everything” is is individual to each woman, it can be two years of trying at home, or several IVF attempts with their own genetic material, or donation. The maternal instinct is hard to stop, it is an instinct that means that it is stronger than a thought, or just a feeling.

If a man wants a woman to choose between him and a child it can be because he thinks the love for him will win and they can continue their life like before.

The reality I see is very different

  • A woman will not just “forget” that she wants to become a mother
  • It is hard to continue a “perfect” relationship if the man you love stops the treatment that is your only chance to get pregnant and to become a mother.

Women do leave their husbands to do treatment! Some women are convinced that their husband will accept everything the minute they get pregnant and they will get back together, or she will even do treatment, without his permission, when they are still together.

But, the woman needs to learn that the man also needs respect and understanding for his decision and that he might leave her because of this disrespect from her.

My advice is to follow your own instinct and your own needs whilst you still have time. The worst scenario is to wait to have treatment and then when it is too late blame your husband, then the result will be no child and no “perfect” relationship.

Remember, you are the one that is responsible for all the choices you make! You need to do what is best for yourself, because in the end you have no one to blame but yourself.

We are not just a passenger in our own life, so we need to make active choices that will affect our life quality! Some are easy to make, others are hard, especially if you need to hurt someone you love!

Make choices that will make "you" happy and respect that your partner has the possibility to do the same!

I wish you the best of luck!
Tone


All posts from Infertility Blog by Tone Bråten


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