I have just talked to a woman that was crying, we talked about her grief. She was grieving over not being able to use her own eggs in fertility treatment. She is 44 years old and the doctors have told her that it’s too late to use her own eggs as the quality of the eggs is not good enough. She is now considering having a child with the help of egg donation. A baby through egg donation is not her first choice, but she is happy that she still has an alternative that will lead her to her much wanted child.
Would you like to talk to our patients, who are now mothers after egg donation and who used to have the same feelings? Would you like them to share with you their stories and how they feel today?
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It is hard when we don’t have the opportunity to push the “repeat button”. It is hard to face the reality and it can be emotionally hard to choose the second alternative such as a baby through egg donation.
A child project is the most emotional project to start with as it is about a child existence.
The maternal instinct is so strong that to call this instinct an emotion, or just a feeling, or a thought, is not good enough- it is stronger than that! This instinct needs to be fulfilled and when that takes longer than expected it becomes emotional hard, we feel sad and we are grieving. As a counsellor I find that very normal!
The woman I talked to defined herself as depressed, this was not a diagnosis from her doctor, but it was how she felt.
When she cried, I looked at her and said:
When I look at you I don’t see a depressed woman, your tears are a symbol of your wish for a child. Your tears tell me how important it is for you to become a mother. You are not depressed you are grieving. You are grieving because of the situation you are in of not being unable to use your own egg and needing egg donation to create your own child. You are not going to change your personality; you just need to have a break from the best version of yourself, because you are in a stressful situation! You need to be conscious about which words you use to define your emotional situation. Are you worried, stressed, sad, impatient, excited, or are you really depressed?
Your tears can be a lot of help and I will tell you why:
- They help you to process your feelings during fertility treatment
- They help you to stay in contact with your feelings
- They communicate and show the people around you how strongly you want a child and that you are in need of support
- They motivate you to continue with fertility treatment and look into alternatives of having a baby through egg donation
- Because your tears are a symbol of a wish for a child, not a depressed woman
The woman cried even more and said that she felt relieved, she felt relieved because I made her feel normal. She said that she will stop telling herself and the people around her that she is depressed.
She wiped away a tear and said:
You are right, my tears are a symbol of my wish for a child.
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How to transform the fear of not being able to get pregnant into motivation during fertility treatment?
A woman I talked to today told me that she had a great fear, this was the fear of not ever being able to get pregnant, of not being able to have children, of being the one that people would call the ‘childless lady’ and also the fear that all the money, effort, time and focus that she uses on her child project will be worthless and may never give her the baby that she is longing for. She didn’t know how to get rid of this fear of not being able to conceive?...