This blog text is about a patient of mine that I met in my office a week ago. She was crying, she was so disappointed about another failed IVF attempt. She already has a son that is 9 years old, but now she wants a sibling for him. She feels that she does not have the right to complain. She feels that no one will understand her feelings or thoughts, not even her husband. She is grieving over her wanted child, but she already has one...
I ask her how she feels right now and how she wants this situation to be different. She looked at me and said the words that I often hear from patients: “I don’t recognize myself”.
She tried to explain:
- Before I was jumping on the trampoline with my son. Now I am afraid of jumping because maybe that is not good for me during IVF treatment.
- My son cannot bring friends home anymore because I feel I don’t have the energy to be involved in my son’s social life.
- I don’t exercise anymore because I do not have the energy.
- I do not cook anymore; my husband makes dinner when he comes home.
- I just work and think of the fertility treatment; I just want my second child!
- I get angry and jealous when I see pregnant women!
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I told her that she has two children now. One is alive and at home and the other one is still an illusion. Which one of them deserves her energy?
Her child that is alive, he finds himself in a situation where he cannot compete, or fight with a sibling to get his mums energy and attention. He sees a mum with no energy but does not know why. Children often blame themselves if their parents feel sad. If the child does not know the reason why their parents are sad, they need to know that mums sadness is not because of them.
I ask my patient:
if you are not recognizing yourself, tell me, who are you?
She told me that before she started to focus on her wanted child she was jumping on the trampoline, she was social, she was exercising, she was happy about other pregnancies and she was cooking for her husband!
I told her that it is possible to get closer to the person that she really likes to be, the person that she recognizes and that she has to focus on her life here and now.
She needs to trust the fertility clinic, trust that they will do their best to make her pregnant and then it is up to nature. It Is out of her control. She does not get pregnant by only focusing on the fertility treatment. The success rate is on her side! While the clinic is doing their job she needs to fill up her energy again, step by step she needs to come back to the person she recognizes.
We made a list together of activities she could try to do during the next two weeks until I meet her again:
- Jump on the trampoline with her son
- Make two dinners for her family
- Exercise twice
- Watch her son’s football match that week
We agreed that this was a nice start towards the person she wants to be, the person she recognizes. Step by step!
Are you in a situation where you can make small changes to be more like the person you like to be? Are you in a situation where you wish you could give more of your energy to the people that are close to you? Try to make small changes; it will make a big difference for the people around you!
I wish you the best of luck! I know you can do it!
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Welcome to your end destination!
…I know you will want to reach your goal as soon as possible; you are so ready to become a parent! I know that you will want the fertility treatment to end and to become pregnant as quickly as possible, I know that it is important for you to see the end of this child project!
Tone Bråten
